Self care

Surprisingly, today was a better day. Today, I chose to try and be productive with looking after myself. I think I was quite successful.

I woke up feeling agitated and exhausted, but it was a controlled restlessness. The fact I was awake before midday was enough for me to cut myself some slack.

I’ve been lacking in the “doing normal things normal people do to take care of themselves” department. I think a lot of you will relate if you’ve experienced the deepest depths of depression. Sometimes I stop to think that actually, I’m not a normal person, and I never will be. EUPD, severe depression, grieving my mum and countless physical health conditions sort of take me out of the normal bracket, I guess.

You know you’re getting quite bad when you sit and wonder when the last time you showered was. A basic human function that takes nearly no effort when you have the effort. But people like us wake up with 10 spoons of energy, and even getting ourselves out of bed some days takes up the entire 10. It’s quite a low point to realise you’re neglecting yourself, but nothing to feel ashamed of. I can almost guarantee every human to walk this earth has felt it at some point.

But today I treated myself to a bath. Not just any bath though. A steaming hot bath with a beautiful bathbomb, hot cup of coffee and music blaring so loud you allow yourself to be free of any distressing thoughts. I sang my heart out, even had the motivation to shave my legs for the first time in months. I dried my hair, and decided today would be a good day to break the 5 day streak of being house bound. I went for a walk with my friends, had a cheeky swing in the park and got myself some snacks on the way home. I did a load of washing, dried it and changed my bed before getting into it. That was something I’ve been meaning to do for longer than I’d like to admit.

For the first time in days I’ve had the focus to sit and watch a TV show I’d been binging. 2 episodes I’d managed to hold concentration for. I’m laying in my fresh bedding now, with my legs all smooth and still smelling the bathbomb. I am absolutely shattered, but I feel extremely accomplished.

Sometimes in life you just need to remind yourself it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to be sad, and sometimes you just need to sit in that sadness and wallow in it. Life is tough sometimes. On the days you need to wallow, all I ask is that you keep yourself hydrated and try your best to keep yourself safe. On the days you feel like you might have that slight push of energy, take advantage of it while you can. Treat yourself to that bath with your favourite bubble bath, treat yourself to a hot drink, treat yourself with a bit of fresh air if you can bare it. Cut yourself some slack, and treat yourself. The days with that push of energy may be far and few between, but that treat will be even sweeter when you finally allow yourself to have it.

I’m proud of myself for today. But I also know I’m going to have minus levels of energy tomorrow, and do you know what? That’s okay. Because today was a better day, and the complete lack of energy tomorrow will feel completely worth it.

I’m proud of you whoever is reading this. Be kind to yourself, and treat yourself to that self care when you have that boost of energy. You bloody deserve it.

Take care,

Beth xo

I have too many thoughts

Today has been a weird day. I can’t verbalise how I’ve been feeling, but it’s all been very overwhelming.

Trigger warning

I guess my mental health means sometimes I feel everything at once times a million and I have my thoughts running through my head a million miles an hour. I was having a goodish day until my friend’s mum well and truly pissed me off by overstepping the mark and attempting to involve herself in my problems. If I wanted your input hun, I’d ask for it. I had to leave the situation and absolutely seethe in the bathroom. I had the biggest urge to self harm or hurt myself in some way. As someone who hasn’t self harmed in 3 years, this was weird and extremely hard to not give in to. Those thoughts are becoming more regular, though. I don’t really know how to process them right now, I just know I shouldn’t do it because in the long run I get nothing but scars out of it.

Like I said my thoughts are racing right now. My friend said my thought pattern is like a cycle at the moment. I currently have too much going on in my head to try and figure out what that cycle is.

I have a song playing over and over and over in my head. Does anyone else get this? It’s loud, it blocks out a lot of the world and I can’t really understand what anyone is saying to me because I’m focussing on the song. It’s Stubborn Beast for anyone who cares (and for future Beth). It’s not the entire song, just a few lines. It’s a nice song, but it gets really annoying. Like I said I can’t really put my thoughts together. The song is taking up a lot of my brain.

I haven’t left the house since Tuesday. In my defense I did kick start my career by smashing an interview and having a job set up for September when I qualify. It really tired me out. I’m sleeping so much but still waking up absolutely shattered. And no, it’s not because I’m over tired. I just have so many thoughts all the time, even when I sleep. I’ve been having really bad nightmares recently so I feel like crap when I wake up. Oh by the way, I still haven’t felt excited about the job. I’ve worked my butt off since I was 12 to get this job and the only thing I feel is a forced happiness. I want to be excited about it with my mum, but I obviously can’t if she’s not alive. I just need a hug from her.

I’m so exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally drained. Like a succubus has been standing over me all day everyday for the last year of my life. I want to wake up feeling okay one of these days but I know that’s completely out of the question.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just tired and I have so many thoughts that I wish would go away. And that song can go away too. It’s too much for my brain, I can’t handle it all. I can’t tell if I’m sad or angry or anything. I just feel completely overwhelmed and I wasn’t to shut everything off.

I’m not making much sense so I’ll stop typing now. I just needed a rant.

Take care,

Beth xo

Grieving

So it’s been well over a year since I’ve posted anything on here. I’ve got drafts after drafts that I’ve started and not had time to finish, or generally just lacked any form of motivation to look back at. This post is going to be all over the place, and I would apologise to anyone reading, but I’m using this site as a way to vent.

It has been a crazy year, and quite frankly the most soul crushing and traumatic year I’ll ever have to experience. In that respect, I’m talking about the fact that I won’t ever have to watch my parent slowly pass away ever again.

July 2019 my mum passed away. Nearly 8 months ago. Part of me can’t believe it’s been so long, but at the same time these 8 months have lasted what feels like an eternity. See, the thing about losing someone you love is that you expect the grief to swallow you whole all at once. But the reality is days, weeks even, of feeling absolutely numb to your core. And every now and again the grief does what you expect and completely consumes you with every emotion you wish you could feel when you’re numb, but you try so hard to push them all away when the numbness goes.

Everyone feels their grief in their own, unique way. But mine has come in waves, almost like recurrent tsunami’s of pure anger, despair, intrusive thoughts and a sadness words could never describe. I feel angry about what happened to mum. I feel angry that the people I expected to support me in the time I needed them most went completely AWOL and disappeared from the face of the earth. I hate people who have mum’s. I hate people who don’t have mum’s and try to compare their grief to mine. I hate everyone and everything, and the bubble of anger in my stomach somehow leaked into every inch of my body.

I had never really been an angry person before doctors, professionals, friends and family repeatedly let me down. I had no choice but to grow a backbone to support myself and try my best to get mum the best care possible. And growing that backbone meant culling all the negatives out of my life. At the time it almost felt like a weight had been lifted. Why would I want these people in my life anyway? But in hindsight I realise that meant experiencing a sense of loss for those people when I already had a lot on my plate. I miss one or 2 of them so much and it hurts my heart knowing things should have been different, but at the time I had no choice but to cut them out of my life.

I’d say I’ve become such a strong, independent woman (sorry not sorry), because of what I’ve been through. I don’t think I give myself enough credit sometimes for even partially functioning in life. However being strong and independent in my case is from the complete lack of trust and faith that I have in humanity.

This is probably the most self pitying thing I’ll ever post on the internet (don’t speak too soon Beth). But right now I feel it is completely warrented. I think I’m trying to express how I’m feeling here because everything is getting a bit much to deal with at the moment. I guess what I’m trying to say is I should probably see grief counsellor but that means using energy I can’t currently conjure up from inside me.

I’m going to leave it here for now. Thanks for being my bud if you’ve stuck out for this rant.

Take care,

Beth xo

Our last Christmas

Before I start, I’d like to say this may be triggering to some people. I will of course be mindful of what I say!

The Christmas period is either wonderful for some, or challenging for others. It’s the time of year you spend with your loved ones, however, for people who have lost, or is losing a loved one, it’s a very painful time of year.

This year has been hard for my family, particularly this Christmas. As you know from my last post, my mum is very poorly with lung cancer. Unfortunately we found out mum’s cancer has spread to her brain and she’s just had to have radiotherapy on her entire brain with hopes to shrink the tumours. They are inoperable. The doctors have said without treatment mum would have a mere 6 weeks left to live, and even with this radiotherapy she could have up to 12 weeks. This means that today is our last family Christmas with our beautiful mum. I never thought I would have to experience heart break quite like this. However we are holding out hope that she may be able to have immunotherapy (the opposite of chemotherapy, where they put healthy cells back into her system), and this could give her up to 1 year, but it all depends on how she reacts to the radiotherapy. Less than 8 weeks we may have left with her, with her cuddles and her wicked sense of humour.

We’re taking one day at a time, treasuring every second we have with her and trying to stay positive, but the heart break and sadness is so prominent, it’s sort of hard to ignore.

I’m sitting in my kitchen eating breakfast as I write this. Mum is upstairs having a nap because her energy is very low from her radiotherapy. We’ve just opened our presents from mum and every single one is beautiful, however again, there is a sadness that in only a couple months from now they might be the last things we have to remember her by.

As cliché as this sounds, appreciate every second you have with your family, because when it’s time to say goodbye you will regret losing that precious time. Even the bad times. Can you do me a favour and go smother your family with love today? Especially your mum, go tell her you love her and how grateful you are to have her. She needs to hear it :).

As I said before, I will write a post about mum’s treatment, when she was diagnosed etc.

I feel as though many people struggle in silence during this time of year, but don’t want to burden anyone with their sadness. I would please ask that if you notice your friends or family acting slightly off, that you don’t pry or try to force their thoughts out of them; but instead reassure them you are there to talk if they so desire.

If you are someone who is unfortunately struggling through this period, please don’t allow yourself to suffer alone. You are not a burden. You are a human being who is feeling pain, sadness and loss and that’s okay. Whether you’re struggling with mental health issues, particularly SAD (seasonal affective disorder) at this time of year, you’re going through a break up, you’re losing or have lost a loved one, you’re stressed about deadlines and exams upon your return from Christmas break? That is okay. You are allowed to feel sad and depressed for seemingly no reason, you are allowed to express your loss and grief, and your problems are important. Everyone has something going on, but everyone deals with things differently, and if stubbing your toe is the end of the world, then you are okay to feel that way, because you deal with things in your own way.

If you don’t want to talk to your friends or family about what’s going on then please remember you can call Samaritans for FREE support 24/7, even Christmas day on 116123. I would like to note that you don’t have to be having thoughts to end your life to contact Samaritans. They will be there to listen to your thoughts, feelings and keep you company through anything from loneliness, to guiding you through your suicidal thoughts, and hopefully back into a more peaceful state of mind.

I have used Samaritans many times over the last few years. For example, when I’ve not been able to sleep because I have too much on my mind, experiencing suicidal thoughts and even when I have had plans to end my life. They are kind hearted people who listen to you and don’t make you feel bad for the way you’re feeling and that is so important.

If you don’t like to speak to people on the phone, then you can text 741741 if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, and a crisis worker will reply straight away and keep talking for as long as you need them to. I’m not sure of whether this is still in use Christmas day, so if anyone knows please let the rest of us know!

Please remember to be kind to yourselves and also to others, you never know what someone else is going through and the smallest dig or snarky comment can make someone snap.

Enough of my ramblings, I’m going to enjoy our last Christmas whilst I can. I hope you all have an amazing day despite whatever else is going on in your lives right now ❤. Merry Christmas!

Take care, Beth xo

The Blogging Begins

Thank you for choosing to read my blog! My name is Beth and I’m a 21 year old student living in England. I’d like to share this crazy thing called life with you wonderful people who somehow stumble upon my blog! I have ups and downs, and my posts will probably reflect this, so don’t be alarmed if I fall off the face of the earth between posting. I’ll probably be hiding in my duvet cocoon with Netflix, avoiding human contact and most likely my responsibilities. I have depression and borderline personality disorder so this happens quite frequently. I want to share my journey of coping with life in general, the good and bad. I find it difficult to express my thoughts/feelings and telling a bunch of strangers is more appealing to me than telling people I actually know. Gossip travels quickly in my home town and I don’t want the drama 🤷‍♀️

A few fun facts quickly before my first ramble so you can get to know me!

– I have a huge, ever growing family of 18 people! 5 wonderful siblings who have partners and 6 beautiful children between them. I also have an amazing mum who is unfortunately very unwell. My family are super close and they all mean the world to me! (I dont really speak to my dad and I’ll probably go off on tangents about him from time to time).

– I’m a hamster mum. I’m completely and utterly obsessed with them and genuinely treat them like children. Don’t worry, I don’t dress them up or anything. I’m not quite that weird!

– I’m a student mental health nurse who has mental health issues. Ironic hey?

– I’m a black belt in taekwondo, but I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag.

– I’m a super sickly person who’s ill with something probably 90% of the time. You’ll hopefully find it interesting to read about my illnesses, surgeries and how I cope with minor and more serious health conditions.

Anyway, down to the nitty-gritty!

So, the reason I’ve been wanting to start a blog is to just talk about my life, day-to-day and also the past. I’ve always felt as though good and bad things happen to people for a reason, and it shapes you as a person in the future. However that doesn’t make it easier to deal with when you’re actually going through it.

I hope for this to be a safe space and informal way to share my experiences and for others to comment and share their own. These may be good or bad, and my aim is to help people who are in similar situations, or have friends or family going through difficult times. Having a supportive community around you is extremely helpful and healing. If I can help as little as one person by starting this blog and sharing my experience I will see it as a huge success!

I’ll be discussing things that require a trigger warning, and I promise to always mention this at the beginning of any post!

So here’s a list of things I’ll be talking about throughout my blog;

– My mental health – as previously stated I have depression and borderline personality disorder. How I manage (or don’t), day-to-day and how it impacts the ones I love.

– My mum’s year long battle of lung cancer, how it’s impacted our family and the ins and out of her treatment.

– My physical health, including (but not limited to) my ME/CFS, and various surgeries such as my sistrunk procedure to remove my thyroglossal duct cyst and laparoscopy to remove an ovarian cyst, and yes, I will be including pictures of my recoveries so enjoy that!

– How I’ve found support within a rape crisis team following being raped by my first (ex) boyfriend 5 years ago, what happened and how it has impacted not only my life but also my past and current relationship(s). A more serious topic but an important one none the less.

– My experience of school, college and university. How my physical and mental health has impacted my education.

– General ramblings about my day, thoughts and anything else I fancy ranting about that day!

I hope you can find peace in reading about my experiences. I’ll always try to use humour to lighten up the mood throughout my posts and I intend to blog how I would speak in person. As I said, I’m new to this so please be patient with me until I know what on earth I’m doing! 😂

Take care, Beth xo

PS Sorry to anyone who knows me in person who doesn’t already know some of this stuff (lol). Please don’t spread my business around, I’m solely using this as a port to get stuff off my chest and help others. So please respect my privacy and especially my families privacy regarding mum as this is obviously an extremely difficult time for us. Thanks xxx